| John's blog has moved! After years of quiet monogamy, it is time to leave Xanga. It's been almost 4 years. Thanks to everyone who's read this in the past and continues to listen to my silly musings. But now you can comment on them without making up xanga names. Hopefully you'll keep reading and tell me when you agree and when you think I'm being a self-serving jackass. Or human. Thanks again. New blog: www.johnbknight.blogspot.com john |
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| I feel as though I'm in a paradox. I'm not unhappy, but I almost wish I were. I learned in my psychology class that people who are depressed are not unrealistic in their view of themselves. In fact, depression tends to give people a more realistic view of the world. The rest of the time when we're happy is generally a false perception that we create so we can get on with our daily lives. And it makes sense to me. When I'm depressed, I actually feel more alive. There are also many times that I feel alive when I'm extremely joyful, and those should not be discounted. But it's two sides of the same coin - you can't get the full picture if you're stuck in either one of those views. Right now I just feel passionless. I don't wish that ill would befall me, but, to belabor the coin metaphor, I feel that I'm stuck looking at the thin side, the ridges on a quarter. Neither view is full, and the world just spreads out to the horizon. It's very likely I'm just being a pessimist. I'm writing from a laptop computer in a country many can't afford to travel to. But it's never the circumstances or the setting. It's living. "Living is simple, it's gravity / gravity isn't so hard / Living is simple, it's entropy / entropy, falling apart". I don't know what it is. I'd like to be in love again, but at the same time I'm happy that I haven't felt extremely lonely lately. I try to write lyrics and find that I have little to say. More later if I think of it. The house is filling with people. I guess life is okay. I just talked to my parents. Just have to get it out sometimes, if only for myself. Take care my friends. john |
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| This is my kind of extra credit.
Love, such a pensive firefly sieging day
Who speaks in tongues ambivalence and grace
And prays the soul to hold my thread at bay
Then smirks and sings to abdicate the race
One eve I thought it ripe to step within
Your eyes like lonely faun with worlds inside
Where virtue's pool reflected my own sin
And fear provoked me to recant and hide
Such mysteries abound beneath my crown
Where mem'ries silhouette a tired frame
Adorned in smoke, my penitent grey gown
And tracing out the palindrome, your name
When time stands still in steaming cups of tea
I hope that I may share a smile with thee |
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